Sex, Drugs, Starvation, and Yoga

Stumbling on the path is inevitable. 

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I have been through the wheel of samskara many times. I've tried to escape myself in every way possible - attention-seeking, reckless sex, partying with "friends", partying alone,  starving, binging, compulsive exercise, workaholism, shopping sprees, you name it. 

Samskaras are those patterns we create in our lives, where we do the same stupid thing over and over again, expecting to bring happiness, or in the very least, pleasure. Einstein said it best, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." 

Despite my efforts, I never quite figured out how to FULLY escape. Then I found yoga! I thought, "Yes! Transcendence! This is what I really need!" I'd finally found a way to surpass this body and this life, to achieve nirvana, samadhi, bliss, enlightenment. Or so I thought...

When I first began practicing yoga, I literally cut myself off from the world. I locked myself in my room, reading the sacred texts, practicing postures for hours, and cut the cord off most of my social ties. My room-mates even forgot about me. 

I suppose this was necessary to remove myself from all the toxic people and associations of my past, but I'll tell you one thing. It did not bring me any closer to enlightenment. I was miserable! And it brought me face-to-face with the hatred I felt towards myself. 

I did not give up! I knew there was some radical truth to this path, so I simply changed directions. I left home to become a yoga teacher, which brought me even closer to my inner suffering. 

This was the first time in my life that I had ever practiced at a yoga studio, and I was living the reality of culture shock. Everyone else appeared as graceful swans and warrior gods, and I felt fat, ugly, weak, and stiff - basically in-superior in every way. 

But I stuck with it! Going to yoga class was like therapy. I faced those feelings of self-doubt, breathed into them, and watched them dissolve one-by-one. This did not happen overnight, mind you. It has taken many years to overcome all the bullshit my mind spits at me, to connect more with my body, and even more importantly with my deeper Self (with a capital S). 

{I'd like to take a moment to pause here to express gratitude towards my root teachers, Coral Brown, Angela Farmer, and Shiva Rea for showing me that there is another way.}

Finally, I found the path of tantric yoga! A life-affirming, body positive, both feminine and masculine approach to living yoga.

I have learned to enjoy my yoga practice as a radical form of self-care and self-love.

I have learned to honor the fluctuations of the cycles of the seasons, as well as the inner fluctuation of my womanly cycle. 

​I have learned that my body is a vessel for both worldly pleasures and divine expression.

I have learned that this body, this world, this existence is not something to be transcended or escaped. We honor our suffering as a great teacher, we ride the waves of ecstasy, and practice non-attchement when it is time to move on. 

​Samskaras continue to sneak up on me now and then - obsessing over my appearance before teaching a yoga class, beating myself up after indulging in dessert, yearning to drown in a bottle of wine after a stressful day at work, disconnecting from my body and living in my head, and worst of all, feeling judgmental and critical towards others. 

But I am aware! I acknowledge these sources of suffering within myself and I work through them - moment by moment, day by day. 

I show up to my yoga mat EVERY DAMN DAY - to make peace with myself, to nurture my inner light, to build more love in this crazy and chaotic world. 

Namaste, from the Heart.